Explorers awed to discover remote Pacific island untouched by Pride Month


In what experts are calling a statistical impossibility, intrepid explorers have announced the discovery of a remote island in a secluded corner of the Pacific Ocean that has been untouched by Pride Month.

This inconceivable discovery comes at a time when every infinitesimal piece of modern life [including mobile phone calendars] has been enriched with joyous, inclusive messages urging everyone to celebrate Pride Month or else be destroyed.

“It was truly shocking to enter the island village lacking the requisite Pride parades and rainbow banners,” wrote head explorer, Captain Bob Magellan (he/him), in his vellum-lined explorer’s diary.  … Anthropologists are baffled that the isolated community has survived this long without access to pansexual kindergarten teachers, gender-fluid TikTok influencers, and blue hair dye. …

Typically, the anthropological community takes great care in minimizing modern influences among aboriginal cultures, but all experts have agreed that, in this case, an exception must be made ….