7 easy ways to pull off a massive international bribery scheme with total, absolute impunity

Not S A T I R E

Maintaining an international bribery operation is hard work.

Keeping the money flowing in without getting busted by the authorities can be tricky.

Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of helpful tips to get away with your foreign bribery scheme scott-free.

  1. Use your kindergarten-level painting skills and sell art as a cover: Nobody will ever suspect anything.
  2. Take an entire hard drive’s worth of pictures of yourself committing disgusting acts: Might be embarrassing if someone finds it, but at least it distracts from the bribery.
  3. Get one of your immediate family members elected to a powerful office: Like your father, for one completely random example.
  4. If anyone accuses you of anything, just tell them you’re a drug addict: They can’t come after you if you’re the real victim.
  5. Always have a global pandemic, war, or tragedy on hand: Creating a diversion is the key to staying under the radar.
  6. Have the capability to make any potential witnesses “disappear”: Nobody can blow the whistle on you if they’re… um, “disappeared.”
  7. Be a Democrat: Being a member of the right party means you’ll never be held accountable.

It’s that easy. Follow those suggestions, and you’ll never get caught — but rest easy, even if everyone finds out what you’ve been doing, you’ll never face any consequences whatsoever!