Chicago teachers issue demands for returning to work . . .

S A T I R E


Refusing to be influenced by parents, city leaders, or science, the Chicago Teachers Union today reiterated their steadfast commitment to drinking coffee in yoga pants. However, after intense pressure from Mayor Lightfoot, the teachers have finally agreed to return to work if the following demands are met:

Empty classrooms: Every room must be hermetically sealed for a minimum of 3 months and flooded with bleach daily. Those cesspools of germs known as “kids” must not be allowed within 100 feet of a physical school. Let’s be honest — the fact that children are gross is undisputed. We teachers simply cannot risk being exposed to actual children and their grossness. …

Triple-masking at all times during Zoom calls:  Seeing children’s actual faces on Zoom would cause tremendous anxiety. Triple-masking is a must until we are sure the virus cannot be spread through the World Wide Web. …

A popcorn machine in the break room: This goes without saying.

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