Well-paid consultants agree: Pence can win with brilliant new strategy


In a bold new attempt to win the 2024 election against Biden, candidate Mike Pence has decided to alienate all 80 million voters who voted for Donald Trump.

“It’s about time someone had the courage to say it, so today I will say it: Trump is bad,” said Pence to a raucous crowd of 12 seniors in the activity center of Shady Oaks Retirement Home. “If that hurts my chances with the tens of millions of people who voted for him, so be it. I am a stalwart man of integrity. Just look at my kind eyes and serious face.”

Pence then looked directly into the camera with a look of integrity.

Sources within the Pence campaign confirmed Pence plans to make up the loss in support by courting Biden voters and convincing them he is not a bigoted Nazi fascist homophobe. “We have faith in the virtuous Americans who voted for Biden,” said a campaign spokesman. “They will certainly see things our way once Pence has had the chance to talk to them in his comforting evangelical Dad voice and make them see reason.”

Pence also expressed confidence that he would be able to make inroads with the 150 million people who didn’t vote in the previous elections, such as babies, illegal immigrants, and Chinese spies posing as university professors.

“Trump is an existential threat to democracy and an evil person,” continued Pence. “I know this from my 4 years of loyally and unquestioningly serving him.”

[Late polling data indicates] approximately 100% of Biden voters polled still thought Pence was a bigoted Nazi fascist homophobe.


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