Team Biden evacuates Hunter’s cash from Ukraine in daring, strategic op

S A T I R E


As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine’s border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter’s money.

“At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son’s stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn’t want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands,” said Biden in a statement to congress.

“Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind.”

The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.

Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to discuss closing the account. In the end, the soldiers strategically left the building with a giant cargo net filled with millions of U.S. dollars.

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