S A T I R E
Federal authorities have begun a massive manhunt for an arsonist who on Friday completely torched three presidential campaigns.
“He left nothing but ashes,” said Chief of Police Ron Miller. “All three campaigns were burned to the ground in a matter of hours. We’re dealing with a professional.”
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According to police, the suspect lured unsuspecting presidential campaigns to Iowa, where they were each set ablaze in rapid succession. “The campaigns never saw it coming,” said local firefighter Wes Bailey. “Witnesses say the arsonist had brown, slightly disheveled hair, and looked somewhat confused as he lit the match. He also reportedly had a staccato, high-pitched laugh that rang out as the flames grew higher. Monstrous!”
Rescue teams sifted through the burning wreckage of each presidential campaign, declaring all of them to be a total loss. “There’s nothing left to salvage,” said Chief Miller. “All we can do is sweep up the remains and toss them into the dustbin of history. This arsonist really went scorched-earth.”