WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic compromise, the Senate and U.S. House of Representatives have finally settled on a stimulus package for Americans struggling and out of work. In addition to bailouts, money for pet projects, and payouts to unions, Congress has authorized a very special $5 off coupon to Applebee’s.
“We are proud to have come together for the American people,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I am told that all those ditch diggers and plumbers in the Midwest are crazy about Applebee’s! Won’t this hit the spot after a long day of doing whatever it is you people do for a living? You’re welcome!”
Some critics of the plan have suggested that giving Americans a coupon after forcing them to shut down their businesses for 9 months feels like a slap in the face. In response, Representative AOC said: “Well, we wanted the stimulus payments to be eleventy-billion dollars for every person, but the evil Republicans didn’t allow it!”