Satire: The September 11 Commission's final findings

Marcus J. Goldman
Monday, June 28, 2004

I sleep poorly at night. Soon, however, that giant sleeping pill, the 9/11 report, will be available for ingestion. Thank goodness!

As a psychiatrist, I received an advance glimpse into the commission’s final lunacy. Here it is:

1) We, the commission, feel really badly about 9/11. Really.

2) We would like to first blame Usama Bin Laden for his complicity in these horrific events. However, since he lives in a cave, he cannot be held responsible for the actions of others. To that end, we have found guilt elsewhere.

3) The Al-Qaeda network of terror (such a title is offensive to all the other terrorists who did not target us on that day, so we will refer to Al-Qaeda as “specific people of terror“) cannot be held responsible. Like all “people of terror” they must have had their reasons. Quite frankly, we are unable to pronounce any of their names. We blame fate.

4) Many have blamed radical Islam for the 9/11’s evil. We must point out, however, that Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, Zionists, Israelis, the American people and assorted other minorities have traditionally been blamed for the evils of the world. The world seems comfortable with that so why change it?

5) We would like to bring up the Church commission’s findings in the late 1970’s with the resultant harnessing of the of the Central Intelligence Agency. But that would deflect attention away from Usama Bin Laden and “people of terror”, who cannot be held responsible anyway because they live in caves and have unpronounceable names.

6) We feel compelled to answer questions about Jamie Gorelick‘s role in events leading up to 9/11. But quite frankly, we are frightened of her. She has built an emotional wall between herself and the rest of the commission members and cannot be reached.

7) Former President Clinton has been accused of inaction on the terror front during his tenure. However, in our 957 page report, corroborating sources placed George Bush’s operatives on the hijacked planes. It has been learned that the president, although managing poorly with his own language, can speak bits of Arabic! Mr. Bush has been know to utter the phrase “falafel” on occasion. He was also a pilot in the national guard. On the other hand, an anonymous but credible e-mailer told us that Mr. Bush was responsible for placing explosives in the garages of the World Trade Center on 9/11. It is probably not true but we felt compelled to put it in the final draft for the sake of diversity of opinion.

8) Prior to 9/11, Mr. Bush was seen taking photographs of the World Trade Center but sources confirm that he was scouting out parachute jump sights for his dad. We put this in the report because it is cool.

9) We cast blame at both the CIA and the FBI because it is the hip thing to do and because everyone expects it.

11) Some of us think that the Pentagon was targeted due to the “Pent”-up anger of others. As the symbol of American power and one of the largest office buildings in the world, it was sort of asking for it.

12) We deemed the emergency response to this unprecedented, unimaginable, never before witnessed be poor. So, emergency medical technicians, the police, firefighters, Former New York Mayor Giuliani, New York Governor Pataki and whoever the Governor of Pennsylvania was at the time, should be admonished (regardless, the guy who put his field in the path of the plane should take some responsibility). If there was a Mayor of the District of Columbia, we think he, too, should shoulder some of the blame.

13) Finally, regarding the deterrence of future attacks. Here is our recommendation: prevention of another terror attack should be strongly encouraged and stuff.

Marcus J. Goldman, MD is a psychiatrist and author of "The Joy of Fatherhood". His work has appeared in The Washington Times, Tech Central Station and The Boston Herald. Dr. Goldman is a Guest Writer for The Daily Cannon,, PoliticalUSA, and WebCommentary. email:

Copyright © 2004 East West Services, Inc.

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