BETTLES, AK—Locals in Bettles, Alaska have reported mysterious sightings of a man walking around with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Since this is a very unusual sight in 2020, investigators were sent to the area to find out more.
The man in question is Sam Gramley. Investigators discovered that Gramley doesn’t have a Twitter account or a Facebook account, and hasn’t really followed politics in 32 years. They found him petting a cute puppy on a scenic mountain path like a complete buffoon who isn’t aware of all the extremely important things people are arguing about on the Internet at this very moment.